Desi Men and Other (Mis)Adventures
There’s only one lesson — trust your instinct
As I crawl through my writing challenge, I’ve been thinking a lot about my travels over the last few years. I’m very grateful because I’ve had many incredible experiences and conversations that have changed my view of the world, but I’ve also encountered situations that have been far from pleasant. Encounters where men have crossed the line and said things that have made me feel uncomfortable and at times, unsafe. Interestingly, most of these encounters have been with desi (Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi) men. I’ve had these experiences in South America, Europe, and within India and it didn’t matter if I was traveling in a group or traveling by myself (it was definitely worse when I was by myself). At the end of each of them, all I wanted to do was ask them why? But I never did because all I could think about was how I was going to get out of the situation.
When I was still learning the lesson
In late 2016, I was traveling in Brazil with a group of friends and one of our stops was Fortaleza. We had been driving all day and couldn’t find an open restaurant. We were starving and when finally found a restaurant that was open, we started ordering food like there was no tomorrow. Our waiter tried telling us something but he only spoke Portuguese and our Spanish wasn’t helpful at all. After a few minutes of intense gesturing, he left and brought a busboy that could speak English to tell us that we were ordering way too much food. The busboy looked like he could have been from India and a friend pointed it out too but I wasn’t sure. At the end of the meal, the busboy came out and asked our group where we were from. He told us that he was from Pakistan and was in Brazil for his wife. As we were leaving, he told me that it was great to meet someone from India and asked me if he could add me on Facebook. My immediate instinct was to say no but I said yes out of courtesy and eventually added him as a friend to be polite. That was the start of a series of creepy messages until I blocked him. Lesson learnt, no need to be polite. Say no when your instinct tells you to say no.
Once I had learnt the lesson
In 2018, during my trip across Europe, desi men felt the need to tell me what they thought of me traveling by myself again and again. I had learnt my lesson and I was going to trust my instinct. But these conversations took a new shape every time and didn’t become any less uncomfortable.
It started off at a restaurant in Valencia where the waiter asked me if I was from India and then asked me for my phone number. My instinct kicked in and I refused to give him my number. Our service was seriously lacking for the rest of the meal and my friend and I hoped that he hadn’t spit into our food. Everywhere I encountered a desi man, I was asked questions like why I was traveling by yourself? Why didn't I have a partner a.k.a a husband? How could my parents allow this to happen and what were they thinking? In Lisbon, a waiter wouldn’t come to my table because I was by myself. He couldn’t fathom that I was there alone. When I told him that nobody else would be joining, he asked me if I was sure about it. But the cherry on the cake was when I was refused a beer in Montpellier because girls shouldn’t drink.
Exceptions to the rule
It got so bad that I would go out of my way to avoid desi men. But I couldn’t really do that in certain countries where desi men worked at/owned most of the neighbourhood grocery stores. I had to interact with them and I welcomed the times that they wouldn’t acknowledge me.
When desi men were kind to me, I didn’t know how to react. A man randomly stopped me in Leuven and asked me if I was from India. I was ready to hear another unwelcome opinion and it took me by surprise when he told me that I should be proud of myself for traveling solo and that he hadn’t seen a lot of Indian women do that. I met another Indian man in Brussels that apologised on behalf of all the other desi men and wished things had been different. I finally saw hope but these instances were few and far between. They were the exceptions to the rule. The rule resulted in me walking out of most encounters uncomfortable.
I’ve been thinking about this long and hard — why was my solo travel so unacceptable to desi men, especially when they didn’t know me or my story? Was it concern for me or did they think they could say these things to me because I was a woman from the same part of the world? I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t have faced these situations had there been a guy with me or if I were a guy. I know that for a fact because my friend and I were constantly asked where our “brother” was in Rajasthan earlier this year. And during the same trip, I found myself being extra polite while saying no because I didn’t want to attract unwanted aggression. Every woman pays a price for being a woman, for asking questions, and turns out, for traveling.
I wanted to get another perspective on this and I asked my father where he thought all of this came from — was it genuine concern or were these men just being creepy. He thought that it was mostly them being creepy and they should have left me alone. If they really wanted to help, they would have tried to be helpful and not made me uncomfortable. I had my answer.
I’ve been procrastinating writing this post and have been sitting on it for days because my intention isn’t to subscribe to a stereotype. I’m not generalising all desi men. I also understand that most of these men and I come from different worlds and our privileges vary. But when one is away from home, meeting another desi person shouldn’t be a cause for discomfort and one shouldn’t wish that they don’t meet “their own”. I admit that not all desi men make you feel uncomfortable and unsafe, the good men exist but I’ve encountered these situations way too many times for me to not speak my truth.
I know that travel can be uncomfortable and I don’t wish that these encounters hadn’t happened. Thanks to them, I’m better at reading people and my ‘no’ has become more assertive. I’m proud of myself for getting better at spotting this desi man but I also mourn my lost naivety and it’s a pity that I find it easier to trust “others” over “my own”. Mais c'est la vie. I still give people the benefit of doubt, but only if my instinct allows me to.